HAMLET'S QUESTION OR MINE

 

HAMLET'S QUESTION AND MINE

by Brenda L. Agee

         To push or to pace? That is the question! Okay, so I'm not quoting Hamlet exactly but for me, that is the question. I'm just not sure I fully know to live what the answer is. I know that Hamlet was thinking aloud about life and death and to him, either choice would be just as futile as the other. I'm not thinking about life or death, but the choice I make will have life or death consequences.

       Last week I was in the hospital and my cardiologist asked me if she needed to send me back to school to learn the difference between "push" myself or "pace" myself.  Understand that she is a marvelous doctor and I've been with her now for over 6 years, so she was using a bit of humor to get her point across.  I just laughed but I knew it was a serious comment and I had a decision to make for my own life. 

         I have now had about six balloon angioplasties and I have 11 stents in my heart.  I have always had a lot of energy and after being disabled now for several years with my heart, I have a tendency to think that being enthusiastic about something also means I have the physical energy to accomplish the task but I don't.  A few years ago my son told a new friend of mine, "My mother the most enthusiastic person who can't do anything that you'll ever meet." 

         I have to admit it but after all these years, the idea of my having serious heart problems still scares me.  I don't always show it, but I am fearful.  As a Christian, I'm not supposed to fear, or admit fear, am I?  Or do I think is it more important that I just don't show it? 

         I have read and believed the Bible all of my life so in my early twenties when I first became aware of Paul having written, " For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain . . . Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." (Philippians 1:21-23; NIV).  He was in prison and he wrote to the Church in Philippi to let them know that it was alright for him to be in prison because he was telling others about Jesus.  He was spreading the word, as we would say.  He encouraged them and he thanked them profusely for their prayers.  He was so positive about it all.

         It was in the Bible so it was settled.  I would read it and say he's right! I felt like a cheerleader,

"Preach the word then preach again, yea Paul!

To live is Christ, to die is gain, yea Paul!"

       However, years later, my heart began to fail, the doctors finally found out what was wrong, and I was told that I would most likely not live very long. I had stent after stent but the results lasted only briefly. I wouldn't really get better, I would simply stay stable for awhile.

       It is as though life is a set of stairs.  Let's say there are 10 stairs.  Life is at the top, that is where the full landing is and that is where we do all the stuff we do without regard to or the consequences of any health issue.  We don't know any difference.  That's just life.  One day we don't feel well and we can't get over it.  We have to stand down on step nine.  It's not bad though, because we can see step 10 and do almost everything we did on step 10.  We get used to it and life if okay again.  But then, down goes our health, and down we go to step eight.  We find we can do less but we still want to do all we did on both steps nine and 10.  Adjust again.  With each step down we can do less and less and we can no longer see step 10.  Adjust again we are told and we try.  Our mind says we can still do anything but our body says NO. 

         Occasionally we hear of the things others can do and we are almost in shock that we simply cannot do any of those things.  In fact, we've forgotten what it was like to be so free and healthy.  But when we do realize how little we can do, it is painful, it is depressing, and it can be fearful.

         What happened to me?  When did this happen?  When I was younger I never dreamed it would be like this.  Everyone on the steps above keep saying things like, "At least you are alive,"  "Well at least you can still do this or that,"  "Stop talking.  We don't want to know."  One day you wake up and realize that most of those who were once your friends are no longer around.  It was difficult for them, too.  Sometimes they just didn't want to know they are as mortal.  Facing mortality in others or ourselves can be daunting.   

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         I've had to decide whether I really believe in my heart or just my head what Paul wrote.  When we face our own mortality we have to decide which it is that we believe.  Yes, we all face the possibility of death every day.  A car wreck, falling down the stairs, and something else.  Yes, God has our days numbered.  Sometimes we have a cavalier, or even absent minded attitude about our own death.  "Someday," we say, "I'll think about it someday, but not today," and we go about our business as usual. 

         A number of years ago, when I was married, we had a friend who had a habit of walking across the street without looking for cars, trucks, or even stampeding horses.  Not that we had stampeding horses in Nevada, Missouri, but you get the idea.  When he told us that he didn't think he should have to look before crossing the street, he justified it by saying that it if it wasn't his time to die, looking wouldn't matter and that it was God's responsibility to keep him alive.  When it's time to go, it's just time to go. 

         Oh my!  I wondered if doing what he did, and with that logic was the same as tempting God.  Didn't Jesus tell us to not tempt God?  Couldn't that mean also that crossing the street with that attitude would be like walking a tight rope across the Royal Gorge without practicing first?  Isn't that daring God to keep you safe? 

         Didn't I promise you that I would be candid?  Well, this is it.  This is me when I am afraid of all the things I can no longer do and afraid that I will never accomplish anything else.  This is me when I have to take step down again and I am fearful.  This is me and I know I have to turn to God and just cry it out and He will give me peace again and let me know I'm not alone.  He is with me on every step.  

         Hamlet wondered about the futility of both life and death.  The writer of Ecclesiastes wondered the same.  He said that there was a time for everything including birth and death.  He wrote that all was vanity or meaningless.  People come, people go.  The sun rises, the sun sets.  The wind blows here, the wind blows there.  Things are more wearisome than one could say.  Whew!  I'm beginning to think that Shakespeare read Ecclesiastes before he wrote Hamlet's speech, "To be or not to be, that is the question".  Hamlet and the writer of Ecclesiastes both sounded hopeless.
 

         Yes, I know Hamlet was fictional but a lot of people feel the same way Hamlet felt. The writer of Ecclesiastes, however, knew there was hope. After all his musings and realizations of how a person can place much importance on the everyday things of life and that the importance of those things was meaningless, he lastly said, " After all this, there is only one thing to say: Have reverence for God, and obey his commands, because this is all that we were created for.." (Ecclesiastes 12:13; Good News Translation).

      Should I continue to push myself to do as much as possible, knowing I could die because I pushed too much; knowing that I am weakening my body even more, knowing I am most likely cutting my life short?  Or, should I pace myself and get used to the feeling that I've accomplish very little?  Paul was in prison but thankful.  He used the opportunity to share the absolute truth of Jesus Christ.  He was not in control of his circumstances and he knew it.  God was in control.  Paul didn't push his way around and demand this or that.  He didn't say to the church in Philippi, "This isn't right!  I should be out there, going everywhere to tell others about Jesus!"  The Bible says he knew God had worked things out for him to be in prison so he could tell others about Jesus while in prison.  It was as if God put Paul down on step three and said, "This is the pace at which you will live for now.  Use it wisely."  Now, I know that isn't what the Bible says but try to understand what I am trying to say about how Paul's life changed when he could not be free to go or do as he had once been able. 

         But he didn't complain!  He used it all for God.

          I really believe that to push oneself all of the time is saying, "I’m in control.  I'll do this or that and it will be as I want!"  To pace oneself is saying, "God is in control and I will do what I can and trust Him for what I have done, can do, and also for what I can't do."

         Heart disease is the number one killer of women.  Most people don't know that.  I have now had heart disease for over 25 years and because God promised me I would have long life despite my heart disease, I've pushed when I should not have . . . I've tried to cross the Royal Gorge on a tight rope . . . I've crossed the street without looking . . . I've tempted God by pushing myself beyond my physical limits.  It has worn my body down and weakened me further.  I have now had one more warning and it could be my last.  Do I listen to God this time?

         To push or to pace is not the question.  Neither is the answer hard to understand.  We all push ourselves but maybe, oh just maybe! God is saying, "Pace yourself in Me and I will do more through you than you thought possible."  Do I truly with all my being believe that to die is gain and to live is Jesus? Absolutely!  Now it's time to live.  I think I'll slow down and do it God's way. 

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         Yes, Father, I know it's time to pace.  Sadly, I haven't paced myself but You have forgiven me and given me another chance to listen to You and to do what You want.  Let me not look ahead and be fearful of what I can't accomplish or that my time is shorter.  Help me not to think like Hamlet but rather, understand like the writer of Ecclesiastes.  Help me to surrender today, and each day You give me.  It doesn't matter what step I am on, Lord, because someone else is either on the same step or on a step just under me.  Help me to encourage them with Your love!  Thank You, with all my heart!