I FOUND GOD

I FOUND GOD 
(but He Wasn't Hiding!)

by Brenda L. Agee

          You've heard the phrase, "Well to make a long story short"?  Quite the opposite, I have a reputation for making a short story long.  This blog will not be as long as the last two.  It won't take long to tell it and it won't take long for you to understand.  

          If you've read my first two blogs, you may remember that after a time of seeking God and experiencing an emotional healing, I prayed that I would have gone through all that I had and more, if I could then help even one woman know there was hope.   God has often brought about an answer to that prayer and I have talked to many, many women who have gone through unthinkable experiences.  I simply shared with them the hope and peace that God has given me.

          I turned 30 years old in 1980 and it was a momentous decade.  My husband and I had a small son and daughter to raise.  I also had my third miscarriage.  We moved four times.  He started school and pastored three small churches.   All seemed well and I started school at Pittsburg State University in Pittsburg, Kansas.   However, during my second semester, I became tragically depressed and started to commit suicide but I was caught.  That led to a three year long commitment to counseling which I completed also in the 80's.  My children each had at least one hospital stay.  My son had surgery.  My daughter had a bicycle accident which resulted in a bad break in her left shoulder.   I had another surgery, my 11th at that time.  I was divorced in the mid-80s and had to raise my two children alone.  Two months before the divorce, I had a hysterectomy.  It was the morning after the surgery and while I was still in the hospital that I experienced the first problem with my heart.  That was my 1980's decade, short version, and yes, there was even more.

          However, the 1980's also brought about a greater social awareness of both physical and sexual abuse, because for the first time in their lives, many women and men were talking and seeking help.  I was one of those women.

          For 32 years I told no one what had happened to me when I was four years old at the hands of seven neighborhood boys.  They ranged from ages seven years old up to 16 years old and it happened for several years.  I am grateful that it wasn't a family member.   At four, I was afraid to tell and didn't think anyone would believe me.   I was so afraid that I tried to pretend nothing had happened.  But inside, I felt torn into two parts.  
          One part of me was joyous and lived happily with my family.  I knew God loved me - remember my prayer I told you about in my first blog? - and I knew my family loved me.  I loved being with my family and in church: I loved every moment of being there where I felt whole.  However, the other part of me was tortured and afraid.  As I got older the fear increased in many areas.  If I was asked to try something new I often just laughed and said, "No", but more simply put, I was afraid.  Occasionally I would tell someone I didn't want to do something because I was afraid but rather than accepting my response, I would be asked over and over why I was afraid, but I couldn't explain why.  Yes, I was torn in two.  But oh!  How skilled I was at hiding the pain. 

          After a lot of tears, and lot more prayers, and then realizing that if I ever got close to it again, I would complete the act of suicide and become its' victim, and not just one who had attempted it.  I didn't want that to happen so I slowly began to tell my counselor what had happened all those years ago when I was a child.  It was at times a torment to talk about, other times it was a relief.  But always - always - I was still afraid that I wouldn't be believed.  For me, the final part of the painful puzzle was admitting that I was so afraid that if anyone really knew, they wouldn't like me and that in fact, they might even hate me.  With that realization, I opened up even more and after a long time, I began to heal. 

          With the healing I found out the difference between worthless and unworthy.  Yes, we are unworthy of God's mercy, but He does not find us worthless.  If He had found us worthless, Jesus would not have died for us. 

          I realized that it was okay to love myself.  Even Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves.  So, wasn't He trying to tell us to love ourselves?  Not pride, not arrogance, not haughtiness, but simply love.

          I realized that what had happened to me was not who I was.  I know that through the healing God brought, I became more and more the person He wanted me to be in the first place. 

          I realized that God had always been my healing and that He always will be.

          I found out that the children of suicide victims often commit suicide themselves.  I was horrified.  I never, never wanted that to happen to my own children.

          I realized I had hope and that I wanted to live and to tell others there is hope for them!

          I titled this blog "I Found God" but it wasn't God who was hiding.  It was me.  I hid in shame.  I discovered that the shame and guilt I carried was almost the same for all abuse survivors.  I had been made to feel that all of it had been my fault and yet the fault had been that of my abusers.  I learned through Jesus Christ that I could forgive them and I did!  The shame and guilt were no longer a part of me.

          That tiny little four year old had no words to describe what had happened to her and she was scared.  That tiny child was told over and over, and believed, that she wasn't right.  That little girl . . .  the one I tried to hide,  the one I didn't want to love . . . finally became a part of me and we are one.  I cradle her in my heart, I love her and now I love even myself.

          I'm closing with a poem I wrote several years ago and it, too, is titled "I Found God."  It is my expression of what we can learn of God through all things.  May God Bless You!

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I FOUND GOD
Poem by Brenda Agee

They cheated and I found that 

        God is steadfast . . .

They lied and I found that 

        God is truth . . .

They hated and I found that 

        God is love . . .

They caused harm and I found that 

        God heals . . .

They had no place for me and I found that 

        God holds me in His hand . . .

They left me and I found that 

        God drew me unto Himself . . .

They caused me to cry and I found that 

        God wiped away my tears . . .

They said I was nobody and I found that 

        God said I am His child forever . . .

They gave me no shelter and I found that 

        God gave me a mansion . . .

They gave me no food and I found that 

        God is the Bread of Life . . .

They robbed me of all things and in doing so I found that 

        God is all I ever need!

(Written by Brenda Agee, January 2011)

This is me - Brenda - once a little girl scared of so much

and yet, still joyful because she knew Jesus loved her.